101 Funny New Year Quotes and Jokes


What’s more best and interesting way to start this New Year with lot of happiness and laughter? Everyone will have different plans of celebrating New Year’s Eve. If you have planned to spend time with your family and friends, then entertain with some awesome and funny New Year jokes. Make everyone happy around you with our funny New Year quotes and jokes compilation.

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101 Funny and Awesome New Year Quotes and Jokes

funny new year quotes

Funny New Year Quotes

  1. We all get the exact same 365 days. The only difference is what we do with them.
  2. Ignore worries, avoid tensions, believe in your intentions, have no fears and love your dears, throughout the years.
  3. This year may I wish you finally learn how to use your Smartphone properly.
  4. I wish your dog becomes intelligent to wash muddy legs before running on carpets this year.
  5. Old is gone and new is here, forget your sorrows and your tears.
  6. Kick everyone’s ass this year except mine. Have a kickass new year.
  7. A new year is like a blank book. The pen is in your hands. It is your chance to write a beautiful story for yourself.
  8. This year may God motivate you to indulge in less office gossips. Happy New Year!
  9. I wish you to end up ransacking the house for your specs wearing it on head this year. Happy New Year!
  10. This year I wish your neighbor does not ask you to babysit his tantrum-throwing daughter in weekends. Happy New Year!
  11. I wish Snoopy, your poodle, does not chew telephone chords or your favorite skirt this year. Happy New Year!
  12. This year I wish you make fewer resolutions to give up drinking. Happy New Year!
  13. This year I wish you scare off everyone in your wonderful Halloween attire.
  14. This year may God inspire you to finally enroll in that anger management course.
  15. I wish you finally implement the plan to use stairs instead of elevators at malls and markets this year.
  16. I wish you can resist temptation to gorge on burgers during snack breaks. Happy New Year!
  17. I pray sincerely no sequel is released in your favorite vampire romance this year.
  18. I wish you can maintain resolution to quit smoking a few days more this new year.
  19. This year there is less snowfall when you wait for black Friday deals.
  20. This year may you end up fighting less with your partner over TV remote.
  21. I wish you efforts at trimming your goatee at home turn out better this year.
  22. This year I wish you overcome your fear of cockroaches.
  23. Never tell your resolution beforehand, or it’s twice as onerous a duty.
  24. This year may your hair and teeth, your face-lift, abs and stocks not fall, may your blood pressure, your cholesterol, white blood count and mortgage interest not rise.
  25. A year of sorrow, disappears into thin air, if you shower it with a bottle of champagne! Save a glass or two for me.
  26. May all your weight loss aspirations be fulfilled this Year.
  27. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
  28. I would say happy new year but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder. –Robert Clark
  29. Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account. –Oscar Wilde
  30. New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.””New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. –Mark Twain
  31. New Year’s Day — now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. –Mark Twain
  32. Many people look forward to the New year for a new start on old habits.
  33. My New Year’s Resolution List usually starts with the desire to lose between ten and three thousand pounds. –Nia Vardalos
  34. Celebrate endings- for they precede new beginnings. –Jonathan Lockwood Huie
  35. I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the years. –Henry Moore
  36. If you asked me for my New Year Resolution, it would be to find out who I am. –Cyril Cusack
  37. Year’s end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us. –Hal Borland
  38. The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul.
  39. This Year I wish you overcome your fear of cockroaches.
  40. What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square… It’s a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It’s just a few Jews walking around going, ‘sup?. –Jon Stewart
  41. I made no resolutions for the New Year. The habit of making plans, of criticizing, sanctioning and molding my life, is too much of a daily event for me.” –Anais Nin
  42. Going to New Year’s Eve party without wearing a tracking device is just asking for trouble.
  43. I’m gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year and when they arrive I’ll say “I ordered this damn pizza a year ago.”
  44. To be an ideal guest, stay at home.
  45. Each year’s regrets are envelopes in which messages of hope are found for the New Year.
  46. New Year, same me – because I’m already freakin’ fabulous.
  47. I don’t have a new year’s resolution. You don’t need that crap when you’re perfect.
  48. This year let’s resolve to make better bad decisions.
  49. They say don’t try this at home. So I’m going to my friend’s house and try it.
  50. This year, my wish is that everyone gets exactly what they deserve.
  51. I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.

New Year Jokes

  1. How you elect to spend New Year’s Eve will depend on your:
  • age
  • remaining levels of optimism
  • threshold of pain

– Joseph Connolly

  1. What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve? I haven’t seen you for a year!
  2. What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks!
  3. What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security
  4. What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
  5. Where can you find comedians on New Years Eve? Waiting for the punchline.
  6. What do you cows celebrate on December 31st? Moo Years Eve
  7. Knock Knock! Whos there? Mary and Abby! Mary and Abby who? Mary christmas and a Abby new year.
  8. Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.
  9. Every New Year’s Eve I have the same question: “How did I get home?” –Melanie White
  10. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. –Bill Vaughan
  11. On New Years, just remember: if your cup runneth over, you’ve probably reached your limit. –Melanie White
  12. Heartwarming Miani tradition: Asking people not to shoot guns into the air on New Year’s Eve. –Eve Barry
  13. Wait a second, there’s ANOTHER year? I have to do it all over again??? –Jake Vig
  14. I like New Years. The confetti covers up my dandruff. –Melanie White
  15. Every New Years I resolve to lose 20 pounds, and I do. The problem is that I gain 30.
  16. My grandparents had resolutions like donating more time and money t charities. I’ve decided to make my own coffee once a week. –Erica
  17. If you make a New Year’s resolution to eat a healthy diet and you keep it, you won’t actually live longer, but will seem longer. –Greg Tamblyn
  18. Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.
  19. Who has time to party on New Year’s Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year. –Just Bill
  20. Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn’t it, of a long line of proven criminals? –Ogden Nash
  21. New Year’s resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time. –James Agate
  22. Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle. –Eric Zorn
  23. Happiness is too many things these days for anyone to wish it on anyone lightly. So let’s just wish each other a bile-less New Year and leave it at that. –Judith Christ
  24. I’m a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little bit rounder, but still none the wiser. –Robert Paul
  25. The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to. –P.J. O’Rourke
  26. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average…which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution. –Jay Leno
  27. This New Years I resolved to lead a better life. Now all I have to do is find someone who will trade lives with me. –Melanie White
  28. Who has time to party on New Year’s Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year. –Just Bill
  29. May you find the strength to write, “Who is this?” to all the strange numbers that text you “Happy New Year!” tonight. –Damien Fahey
  30. My new year’s resolution is not to shovel snow. Since I’m gonna be in Florida, I feel pretty good about it. –Greg Tamblyn
  31. New Years paraded have a lot in common with Santa Claus. Nobody is awake to see either one of them. –Melanie White
  32. “Out with the old, in with the new” is a fitting expression for a holiday that is based on vomiting. –Andy Borowitz
  33. This New Years I was going to make a resolution never to be late again, but I didn’t wake up until January 2nd. –Melanie white
  34. My New Year’s resolution is to try to remember why I’ve walked into a room. –Rodney Lacroix
  35. I guess the Mayans are wondering what all the excitement is about. –Just Bill
  36. Miami asks residents not to celebrate New Year by shooting into the air, because the bullets will come back down. –Dave Berry
  37. My New Year’s resolution is to eat better, so from now on, I’m going to only date guys who can afford to take me somewhere other than McDonalds. –Melanie White
  38. Women get a little more excited about New Years Eve than men do. It’s like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you’re not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you start breaking them. For men, we just call that a date. –Jay Leno
  39. My brother’s New Year’s resolution is to move out of my parents house. You’d think after 49 years he’d try another one. –Wickedwordslinger
  40. A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
  41. My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
  42. New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.
  43. My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
  44. I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!
  45. If 2018 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.
  46. Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is a FAT back account and a THIN body. Please don’t mix it up like you did this year.
  47. Every year I make resolutions to change myself…. This year making a resolution to be myself.
  48. I’m actually feeling pretty okay for not accomplishing anything this year.
  49. I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.
  50. In 2018, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.